Or delusion. I guess it depends on your perspective.
After yesterday's post, I thought I needed a little introspection. What drives me?
Let's start with some history. I once was an art student. Well, okay...art therapy. I wanted to work with troubled kids, make some art, express--all that. Then "they" started telling me what to make (note the difference between what and how). This is where my punk rock sensibility came into play. (it's small, but in there)
I'm all for teaching. But what is different than how, any way you look at it.
So I quit. If I wanted to art, I would art on my own time, doing what I loved. There was no therapy in producing for someone else. Maybe I regret my decision a little. Maybe not.
Now I write, and my life is goverened by a simple cost-benefits analysis, even if I don't conciously think about it. (all of our lives are...and most of us never think about it) I spend an enormous amount of time writing. I don't watch much TV and a lot less films than I used to. I don't play video games anymore. (Yeah, I used to really love video games) And I'm not paid all that well for my writing, if anything.
So where's the benefit for all that cost in time and effort (and heartache before I numbed to rejection)?
I'm doing what I want. I'm making stories. I play with words and worlds and make awful (or wonderful) things happen which stretch beyond what ordinary life has to offer.
There are other little benefits, too. Seeing my name (even if it's spelled wrong) in a review. An accpetance. (especially from a long sought-after market like Nossa Morte or Murky Depths) Publication.
But creation trumps all of those others. All humans have a drive to create. Look at the collective sum of human culture for the past few thousand years. Sometimes, we destroy because we haven't found the proper avenue for that drive. But I'll always take the '+' over the '-'. It's too easy to fall into the snark spiral.
This is the dream: to continue and create while not letting "them" take away the wonder and drive to do so. In more concrete terms (and I'm stealing a bit from Rebecca Nazar here), I want to write and publish as much quality work as I can before I die, staying true to myself in the process while continuing to "hone my craft". I want people to be happy they read something with my name attached and know I was happy creating it.
Get out the crackers 'cause I've given you plenty of cheese.